Ladies...we've heard of, seen the movie or read the book, He's Just Not That Into You. However, that was from a male perspective. What about those women who just aren't that into a guy. A few of my friends have had some interesting experiences with men they're "just not that into." I have two points of view on this topic...I'll refer to them as Heads and Tails.
Heads:
You've been tossing around the idea of giving this guy a chance. He professes to be the one, treats you well and may even be willing to drink your bath water. Yet for some reason it just doesn't work. It could be the absence of physical attraction, mental stimulation, or any other shortcomings. More often than not he's oblivious to the fact that each interaction takes serious work on your part and can clearly go way left at any given moment. On the flip side you may have told him that you and he are like ships passing in the night and he still doesn't get it. In the end it simply boils down to you not being interested. Funny enough (I'm guilty of this) we tend to be apologetic when we aren't "into" someone. We blame ourselves for not recognizing a good man and often agonize about not liking this guy. I say, "bull" to that mode of thinking. Really when is the last time you heard a man complain or feel bad about a woman he wasn't into. They chalk it up to lack of chemistry and call it a day. So why can't we do the same? Maybe it's just our caring nature that keeps most of us from being a complete shrew. Either way "the heart wants what the heart wants," so deal with it!
Tails:
In retrospect it seems like some of the men I passed up during my 20s were probably best for me at the time. There was one in particular, that I deemed boring. He was always nice and tried to woo me on several occasions yet, I never wanted anything to do with him. I was going for the more superficial things; i.e. good looks, popularity, body type, etc. I had a standard and was hell bent on sticking to it. Unfortunately that mode of thinking didn't get me far. Had I given Mr. X the time of day, and not the other guy I probably would have saved myself a great deal of heartache. That all being said, I think everyone deserves a chance. If you give it a chance and it doesn't work then at least you tried. To not try at all limits what could have been a good relationship with a guy who isn't so bad after all.
In the end Mr. Right could very well be everything you never knew you always wanted.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Fools Rush In
In the last two years I've been to/invited to; 5 weddings and 4 baby showers. Not to mention countless birth and engagement announcements. It's enough to make your head spin. In all actuality it's no wonder that so many of us "rush in" to relationships; throwing caution to the wind with one goal in mind...GET A RING!
We're proud of our crowning academic achievements, accolades from senior management for saving the company millions or having the wherewithal to purchase a home. However, as we take stock of our lives and start ticking off the boxes we find that we're already 30+; unmarried and without children. Once this happens the proverbial "clock" seems to start ticking louder with each passing day. Simply put it's pressure...from parents, grandparents, friends, family and our subconscious. This pressure often causes us to make erratic decisions...thus rushing in!
I distinctly remember a conversation with an uncle a few years back. I was about 26 years old, single, and having fun. He asked if I were a lesbian because I didn't have a boyfriend or fiancee. I was taken aback for a moment because I didn't think there was anything wrong with my "dating life." I've had friends tell me their families have asked about marriage and children as well. One would think that with the escalating divorce rate and rampant infidelity, our vigilance would be applauded.
Rushing in to anything, especially a relationship is never a good idea. It takes time to build a foundation and learn what a person is like. Being with someone or getting involved just for the sake of being, is often our demise. I am a firm believer in knowing how to be alone FIRST. This may sound extreme but if we cannot go out to dinner or a movie with ourselves then we don't need to be in a relationship. We have to stand on our own before we can be a crutch to someone else. Now when I say crutch I don't mean taking on a lot of mess or being naive. I am referring to a support system, yin and yang...the ultimate balancing act. How can we help keep balance if we aren't balanced?
A final thought...being alone is not an automatic negative. It's during our alone time we've probably grown more and learned more about ourselves than we ever could while in a serious relationship. It's a time to really pay attention to our own needs and get ourselves together mentally, spiritually and physically. Sometimes we are being prepared for our future husband. So, ladies the next time someone questions your relationship status simply smile and say, " I'm happily single!"
We're proud of our crowning academic achievements, accolades from senior management for saving the company millions or having the wherewithal to purchase a home. However, as we take stock of our lives and start ticking off the boxes we find that we're already 30+; unmarried and without children. Once this happens the proverbial "clock" seems to start ticking louder with each passing day. Simply put it's pressure...from parents, grandparents, friends, family and our subconscious. This pressure often causes us to make erratic decisions...thus rushing in!
I distinctly remember a conversation with an uncle a few years back. I was about 26 years old, single, and having fun. He asked if I were a lesbian because I didn't have a boyfriend or fiancee. I was taken aback for a moment because I didn't think there was anything wrong with my "dating life." I've had friends tell me their families have asked about marriage and children as well. One would think that with the escalating divorce rate and rampant infidelity, our vigilance would be applauded.
Rushing in to anything, especially a relationship is never a good idea. It takes time to build a foundation and learn what a person is like. Being with someone or getting involved just for the sake of being, is often our demise. I am a firm believer in knowing how to be alone FIRST. This may sound extreme but if we cannot go out to dinner or a movie with ourselves then we don't need to be in a relationship. We have to stand on our own before we can be a crutch to someone else. Now when I say crutch I don't mean taking on a lot of mess or being naive. I am referring to a support system, yin and yang...the ultimate balancing act. How can we help keep balance if we aren't balanced?
A final thought...being alone is not an automatic negative. It's during our alone time we've probably grown more and learned more about ourselves than we ever could while in a serious relationship. It's a time to really pay attention to our own needs and get ourselves together mentally, spiritually and physically. Sometimes we are being prepared for our future husband. So, ladies the next time someone questions your relationship status simply smile and say, " I'm happily single!"
Sunday, July 19, 2009
You Say She's Just A Friend
We've heard it a million times the age old adage...men and women cannot be friends.
So what's the answer?
Adult humor aside, male and female friendships (in my opinion) have one of two outcomes: 1) a blissful co-existence where all parties are best buds or 2) a contentious relationship between girlfriend/wife and friend. Case in point...I had a friend with whom I'd known since high school, we were like brother and sister. And you know what his "new girlfriend" could not stand me. Our friendship was the topic of several arguments; needless to say he and I barely talk anymore. What's sad in my case is that we were NEVER anything more than friends. No spark, flare or attraction...nothing. He used to refer to me as being like a piece of furniture...just there.
Though Chris Rock jokes about being in the "friend zone" or "d**k in a glass case." From the outside looking in that may be an accurate perspective. Personally I believe men and women can be platonic friends but theory begs to differ. Theory says: He would love to have sex if the opportunity arose and she naively believes that he sees her as just "one of the guys." Additionally the actions of others, significant others in particular, can make it almost impossible to have a successful friendship with the opposite sex. A hug, reference to the past or maybe just too many giggles can cast doubt. Be honest...did your mind wonder when your boyfriend introduced you to the attractive woman he's known since college, who hugged him a bit too long?
Let's face it, we live in an environment where we're always sizing up the competition. Songs like, "Don'tCha" by the Pussycat Dolls don't make it any better. In the end, we have to be confident enough in ourselves and our relationships to know that we fit the bill. So, the next time you and your guy run into the gal pal from college compliment her on her shoes, flash a smile and keep it moving!
So what's the answer?
Adult humor aside, male and female friendships (in my opinion) have one of two outcomes: 1) a blissful co-existence where all parties are best buds or 2) a contentious relationship between girlfriend/wife and friend. Case in point...I had a friend with whom I'd known since high school, we were like brother and sister. And you know what his "new girlfriend" could not stand me. Our friendship was the topic of several arguments; needless to say he and I barely talk anymore. What's sad in my case is that we were NEVER anything more than friends. No spark, flare or attraction...nothing. He used to refer to me as being like a piece of furniture...just there.
Though Chris Rock jokes about being in the "friend zone" or "d**k in a glass case." From the outside looking in that may be an accurate perspective. Personally I believe men and women can be platonic friends but theory begs to differ. Theory says: He would love to have sex if the opportunity arose and she naively believes that he sees her as just "one of the guys." Additionally the actions of others, significant others in particular, can make it almost impossible to have a successful friendship with the opposite sex. A hug, reference to the past or maybe just too many giggles can cast doubt. Be honest...did your mind wonder when your boyfriend introduced you to the attractive woman he's known since college, who hugged him a bit too long?
Let's face it, we live in an environment where we're always sizing up the competition. Songs like, "Don'tCha" by the Pussycat Dolls don't make it any better. In the end, we have to be confident enough in ourselves and our relationships to know that we fit the bill. So, the next time you and your guy run into the gal pal from college compliment her on her shoes, flash a smile and keep it moving!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
What Is The Total Package?
In a day where relationships are built more on financial compatibility and less on emotion; my girlfriends and I often question what characteristics are most important. Attraction and chemistry aside; what can we live with and what are the deal breakers? Is it a man's education, status in society, credit score and luxury car that make him the "Total Package," or is it something more substantive?
Let's take a deeper look...
Don't get me wrong that Wharton MBA looks really good on paper. It will open doors to an elite society before the ink completely dries on Mr. TP's degree. The 850 credit score ensures a house in Georgetown and a credit limit that would put the FED to shame. All things considered; what does that really say about the man? That he has good tastes, manages money well or he's an overachiever.
Material things last but so long. When it's all said and done if a man doesn't have a caring spirit, unconditional love and compassion and understanding; he's already lost half the battle. In today's society we're told that bigger is better, excess is accepted and the little things are just that...little. A single rose pales in comparison to a dozen. A dinner at Longhorn just doesn't have the same flair as Morton's. And God forbid you buy jewelry from any other store than Tiffany.
A final thought...
An Electrician can be just as much the "Total Package" as a Banker. It's not your title or status but what you do with what you have to make your life and your partner's better. It simply comes down to character. Will this man have your back all of the time? Will he sacrifice for you to make you happy? When you're feeling down can you count on him for encouragement? Is he a friend as well as partner? Can he make you laugh? Those are the things that matter most.
My Mr. TP isn't 6'2", he's 5'10". He doesn't weigh 200 lbs all muscle, but is 175 with a slim athletic build. He doesn't drive a Mercedes but owns the car he does have. He doesn't go on trips around the world but takes modest vacations. He doesn't know about all of the fashion raves in Paris but looks damn good in a suit. All in all he makes me laugh, loves me unconditionally and keeps me grounded. More importantly he's a man of God...what more could I ask for?!
Until next time be blessed!
Ms. Ty
Let's take a deeper look...
Don't get me wrong that Wharton MBA looks really good on paper. It will open doors to an elite society before the ink completely dries on Mr. TP's degree. The 850 credit score ensures a house in Georgetown and a credit limit that would put the FED to shame. All things considered; what does that really say about the man? That he has good tastes, manages money well or he's an overachiever.
Material things last but so long. When it's all said and done if a man doesn't have a caring spirit, unconditional love and compassion and understanding; he's already lost half the battle. In today's society we're told that bigger is better, excess is accepted and the little things are just that...little. A single rose pales in comparison to a dozen. A dinner at Longhorn just doesn't have the same flair as Morton's. And God forbid you buy jewelry from any other store than Tiffany.
A final thought...
An Electrician can be just as much the "Total Package" as a Banker. It's not your title or status but what you do with what you have to make your life and your partner's better. It simply comes down to character. Will this man have your back all of the time? Will he sacrifice for you to make you happy? When you're feeling down can you count on him for encouragement? Is he a friend as well as partner? Can he make you laugh? Those are the things that matter most.
My Mr. TP isn't 6'2", he's 5'10". He doesn't weigh 200 lbs all muscle, but is 175 with a slim athletic build. He doesn't drive a Mercedes but owns the car he does have. He doesn't go on trips around the world but takes modest vacations. He doesn't know about all of the fashion raves in Paris but looks damn good in a suit. All in all he makes me laugh, loves me unconditionally and keeps me grounded. More importantly he's a man of God...what more could I ask for?!
Until next time be blessed!
Ms. Ty
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